New Year's Romance-olutions

With a new year upon us, many of you have set some resolutions for 2010 to better yourself in some way. Becoming physically fit, loosing weight, quit drinking or smoking, getting organized and getting out of debt are all common resolutions made each year.

However, I would like to challenge you to make a separate resolution for your relationship!

Many of you have probably experienced some tough times lately. With economical problems for so many, no wonder why couples are experiencing relationship problems right now. In hard times, one of two things typically happen... Either you lean on the one you love or you let the stress push you further away. The latter of the two can be devastating to a healthy relationship.

Take some time to really evaluate your romance level right now. Are there things you need to focus on? If so, you have a New Year's Romance-olution! Here are a few examples...

Date Night: Once a week would be fantastic but once a month can work wonders for a relationship starting to weaken. Remember, "date night" doesn't have to be to a fancy expensive restaurant. Sometimes even an evening at the movies can cost more than many can afford in this time. Get creative and keep "date night" affordable for you or your families circumstance. A picnic or walk at the park, a special candle lit midnight "snack" after the kids are in bed, game night at home or stargazing in the back yard. The idea is it doesn't have to cost anything to enjoy each other and to reconnect.

Communication: If you have found yourself and the one you love having more stress or arguments, consider focusing on your communication. Have a conversation with your lover about your desire to work on your communication. There are many books that can help to learn techniques that will literally save a marriage. Communication is KEY in any relationship. Whether you are communicating about money, kids, work, sex or even politics, if you don't have a good technique for talking to each other, problems will arise.

More Frequent Intercourse: Not only does intercourse help to release hormones that will keep you connected, it is also a lot of fun. Besides that, who would want to fight with someone they just had great sex with the night before? It's proven that couples who have sex frequently have stronger relationships, they fight less and they feel connected to each other. Not only that but on a personal level you will feel happier, less stressed and loved and secure. Two to three night per week is a good number to shoot for. Every day, even better! I say, go for it as often as possible. Don't limit yourself, instead put a "minimum" on the number of times a week you take a roll in the hay!

The Sex Room

Your bedroom. You've probably heard before that your bedroom should be a sanctuary. A place to retreat after a stressful day. However, the second most important function your bedroom has besides rest and relaxation is romance. In fact, when decorating your bedroom it is extremely important to keep the three "R's" in mind. Today I want to give you some tips to really heat things up for you and your lover, not only between the sheets, but throughout the entire room.

Mood: Ask yourself what mood you want to set within the bedroom. Are you looking more towards a romantic getaway or for some steamy passion? What feelings do you want to evoke when you step inside? Make a list of the things that are most important to you and your lover. If you are leaning more towards romance, you may envision a light airy feel with white linens and warm toned walls and accents. Leaning towards a more passionate experience may warrant walls of red and satin linens. Set the stage first by defining the mood and the rest will come easy.

Color: The color you choose to decorate with can set a clear tone for the emotions you plan to evoke. Red, for example, is the color of passion and power. It is the ultimate sexy color. While white is definitely more relaxing. Think about the mixtures of color too. What relaxation with a chance of passion? Decorate in white and accent with the red. Purple is a color of romance and can be a very good choice because it neither too masculine or feminine. Some other romantic suggestions are: Grey, brown, blue and green. Accent colors: Black, red, pink and white.

The Bed: Because the bed is the largest piece of furniture in the room and where you will be spending most of your time, really focus on dressing the bed for the part. I like to use this example: Consider the type of lingerie you and your lover enjoy the most. Do you prefer white flowing satin gowns or are you a leather and lace type of couple? This reference can give you some idea of what direction to take when dressing your bed. Pay close attention to the fabrics and textures you introduce. A large part of sexual sensation comes from what we feel on our skin. Satin, silk, cotton and even fur can enhance your sexual experience. Don't forget the pillows. Although most of the time the pillows end up on the floor, no one can dispute the fact that pillows give a welcoming feeling. It's the beds version of the "come hither" look.

Lighting: Another important aspect of a romantic room. Lighting can really set the mood and the ambiance you are looking for. Over head lighting can be dressed with chandeliers. Adding the right lamps and strategically placed candles. Lots of candles. Keep in mind that lighting not only sets a mood but it can also enhance how you look. A lamp will hide your cellulite and a tinted bulb can enhance your skin tone. One fun and surprising tip I have for you, add a black light placed behind the headboard for those extra playful evenings.

Accents: Accenting is sometimes overlooked but can really add to and enhance the mood of the room. Add accents so all senses are stimulated into a romantic state. Touch- This will be accomplished through the fabrics you have chosen for the bedding. But don't forget you can add fun things such as feathers that may be accessible during massage or play time. Sight- Flowers and plants, sensual artwork, sculptures and lingerie. Sound- Your favorite romantic music is a must but also consider a white noise machine. Taste- One of my favorites because we are always told not to eat in our beds but here I am telling you TO eat. Fruit, chocolate, whipped cream. If you want to go the safe route, with non perishables, there are so many fun edible lotions and potions. Create a small arsenal of your favorite flavors. Last is Smell- Scented candles, linens sprays, perfume, cologne. You will know what will work best in your bedroom. But don't neglect your sense of smell.

Things To Avoid: Clutter, family pictures, kids toys, and even laundry can kill the mood. If you must have a television or computer in the room, find a way to hind it. A cabinet for electronics can do wonders for the mood. Electronics can divert the attention you should be paying to your partner.

Once your love nest is complete you can look forward to endless nights of rest, relaxation and romance!

Gardasil For Boys!

Just a few days ago the Federal Drug Administration approved Gardasil for boys!

Gardasil is the vaccine that prevents four stains of the human papilloma virus that causes most cases of cervical and anal cancer. HPV has become an epidemic in recent years. Researchers beleive that as many as 3 out of 5 college students carry the virus and most of them will never know they even have it.

Women typically have no symptoms until an abnormal pap smear or until they are diagnosed with cervical cancer. Men are carriers but rarely have any symptoms or illness at all from the virus. By the time they find out they have HPV, if they ever do, they may have infected numerous women who may someday develop cancer.

It really is a virus we should all be concerned about getting as well as preventing our children from developing.

There has been a lot of controversy over the HPV vaccination. Some say that they do not want their children getting it because it may give them the "OK" to be sexually active. I've also heard women say they don't want to have to explain to their young child what HPV is and how you get it because it is in fact a sexually transmitted disease.

It is my opinion that Gardasil is protecting our kids from getting cancer, not an STD. When was the last time you explained what an MMR was? Or what kinds of diseases Measles, Mumps and Rubella are? I am excited that not only can I protect my daughter but now I can make sure my daughters in-law have a better chance of beng cancer free!
For more information about Gardasil visit: http://www.gardasil.com

Do You Feel Something Odd?

Recently a client of mine told me about a problem she had with her IUD and I thought it was a good subject to blog about. An IUD, or Intrauterine Device, is a small object placed behind the cervix into the uterus to prevent pregnancy. A "string" at the end of the device hangs out of the cervix into the upper vagina. An IUD is not noticeable during sex, at least it isn't meant to be...

For several weeks "Sarah" had been having some pain during intercourse. Small stabbing pains, as she described it, in her pelvis during sex and sometimes when she turned a certain way or even sneezed. Sarah makes an appointment with her Gynecologist and after a simple ultrasound to check the position of her IUD she is told that her IUD has slipped out of place. In fact I think she told me the exact words of the Ultrasound Technician was "Wow, you're lucky you're not pregnant. The IUD is not in place!" Sarah goes in during her next menstrual cycle to have the IUD replaced.

A week or so later, Sarah and her husband are having intercourse when he mentions to her that it "feels better" now. Curiously she asks him why. He says to her "Well, I can't feel that thing scraping on me anymore." The string that hangs out of the cervix is very short but because the IUD was not in place it was hanging out further and he could actually feel it during sex. However, he never said anything to her about it.

The moral of the story... Have a conversation with your lover that if he or she feels, sees or even smells something abnormal, to let you know about it. Reassure them that you will not be offended or hurt. Do this tonight!

Let's face it, our lovers feel us in different ways than we feel ourselves. In retrospect, be sure to pay attention to your lover too. If you see or feel something "off" be sure to mention it. Often times breast cancer, testicular cancer, anal cancer, HPV or other STD's can be noticeable by the partner of those who suffer from these ailments. This communication will help your lover avoid many problems and can also be life saving!

Slick and Silly

Lube - It can be looked at as a novelty but in many cases it's truly a necessity for a pleasurable sexual experience. If there is one thing I could accomplish with this blog post it would be to convince everyone of you that lubricant should be a staple of the bedroom. In my opinion, the number one "sex toy" everyone should have!

The fact is, many women need extra lubrication at certain times of the month. Vaginal dryness can be a problem even for women in their twenties. Have you or your partner ever experienced pain during the first few minutes of intercourse? Chances are, the cause is simply not being lubricated enough.

Introducing a lubrication is probably much easier than you think. My opinion of it is that it's simply a necessary addition at times and shouldn't be taken so seriously or viewed as a novelty. It's an interesting subject because it's something your gynecologist would recommend to you but can be just as fun and exciting as other bedroom aides.

When choosing a lubricant make sure to experiment with different kinds. My preference to recommend to the ladies I deal with, is a water based lube. Mostly because it is very similar to your own natural lubrication. Water based lubricants are also less expensive, they are odorless and tasteless, non-staining and very natural feeling. However, silicone based lubes are great too. It really is just a matter of preference. Keep in mind, some silicone based lubricants are not condom friendly. So read labels or ask questions if you are unsure.

If you think about it, I'm sure some of the best sexual experiences you have had has been when your body is completely responding to foreplay, you are physically prepared and anticipating penetration. These are the times you are most lubricated and the sensations are amazing! Lubrication will aide you in feeling sensual and exited and your lover will too.

Sexucation for your kids...

Last week I caught an episode of Oprah (oh, the joys of working from home!) The subject was educating your children about sex, when to do it and what to say. I was absolutely elated by the information provided by Dr. Laura Berman. Even though the Oprah audience wasn't too thrilled with some of her ideas, I was spot on with it all.

Not too long ago it became apparent to me that I needed to have a conversation with my 15 year old son about "alone time." I won't go into details why (he'd kill me if he ever read it) so all I will say is, it was clear to me he needed a good talking to. Every mother, when faced with this reality, will question themselves. Am I giving too much information? Am I giving enough information? At this point I feel very confident that I handled the situation in the right way and, thanks to Dr. Berman, I am armed with the knowledge of how to handle the situation with my daughter. Girls, always seem a little different than boys for some reason. Even though they really shouldn't be treated any different.

Here is a synopsis of what Dr. Berman said about educating your kids about sex...

• From birth: Always use the correct names for their body parts. Also, don't scold them for touching their genitals.
• Around 2 or 3 years old: Teach them about "good touch and bad touch." Make sure they understand that they are called "private parts" because they are private and only they get to touch them when they are alone. No one else is allowed to.
• 2nd to 4th grade: The "where do babies come from" stage. At this point you will answer their questions about sex fairly straight forward and technically. "When and woman and a man are married and want to have children, the man puts his penis into the woman's vagina. His semen goes into the vagina and into the fallopian tube were it meets the egg and a baby will grow."
• 5th or 6th grade: Begin speaking more about self stimulation and the mechanics of sex. Also make sure you express your hopes and dreams about their sex life. For instance, "I hope that someday when you are older, you fall in love with someone who deserves the amazing gift that sex is."
• 7th to 9th grade: Keep an open communication with them about the information they are receiving from their peers and what types of sexual situations they are getting into. Depending on your child's circumstance, this may be the age that sexting and oral sex will begin. For your daughters have a real conversation about orgasm and how it occurs for them. Boys will have figured it out by now. This is a good time to introduce a small clitoral vibe or bulett for your teen girl.
  
• 9th to 12th grade: Reinforce what you have taught them about waiting for love, marriage etc. Communicate with them about the pressures they face.

I absolutely loved the idea of introducing a small vibe, like the one to the right, to your teenage daughter, however this was the biggest shock to the Oprah audience! Dr. Berman explained it in such a fantastic way... Girls are especially susceptible to relating the sexual pleasures a boy may be giving her to "love." Particularly when they have never experienced these pleasures before. By giving your daughter the power to provide those pleasures to herself, you are empowering her to say NO to an over excited young man. She will not equate these feelings to love but to a physical response her body is simply capable of having even without a boy.

I would like to urge all of you to check out Oprah.com about this episode and to download Dr. Laura Berman's handbook.

But I'm just not in "The Mood"

If there's one thing I know for sure, it would be this subject! Believe me, after a long day being mommy and domestic goddess, it's hard to find the energy for a shower let alone a roll in the hay! Yet even after 16 years, it still surprises me that my husband (who many times I would trade in for another wife) can reach down and pull the energy and desire out for sex on a daily basis. Or does he really need to reach down anywhere to find it? The honest truth is, "it" is ALWAYS there for him.
I've learned, over these 16 years, that I simply can't beat myself up over this. However, often times, I knew the hubby was wondering what he had done wrong, why I didn't like him anymore and when will he FINALLY get a little somethin' somethin' from me. At one point, I had convinced myself that my husband was simply a pervert. He wanted sex ALL the time. Then I realized, he wants sex all the time because he hasn't gotten any yet!
There are so many different reasons why women lose the desire for intercourse. The issue can be a real medical problem. So the first thing I suggest is to talk to your doctor about any problems you are having with lack of libido. I literally approached my doc as if she was just another girlfriend so I could be frank with her about the issues I was experiencing. After all, this person has looked into my vagina for crying out loud! Why wouldn't I be honest about sex? This is my doctor, not Jesus! (I'll be honest here. Even if it was Jesus I'd still be honest about any sex issues I was having. That's just how I roll... LOL) Your doctor may conclude that medication, hormone levels and even stress is the culprit.
Although, sometimes (and by sometimes I really mean a LOT of the time) it is simply all in our heads. OK, what I'm really trying to say here is that us women are notorious for letting life get in the way of sex. I've stopped asking why and so should you. The "why" isn't as important as the "how to fix it" is. I'm going to give you a REAL fix it. I'm not going to give you some sappy advice about candles and lingerie. I'm not going to tell you to read a romance novel or watch a porn. I'm not even going to tell you to make a pack of foreplay with your lover. What I'm about to say may even make some of you mad. BUT IT WORKS!
Years ago, during a sex dry spell, I heard of an article. I tried to find it for the purpose of this blog to no avail. It wasn't something I found online, so it didn't surprise me I couldn't find it. The article was written by some renowned sex therapist from some unknown country other than the U.S. Today I'm going to share the advice that changed my sex life forever!
It's a fact that studies have shown that women who have sex more often have a higher sex drive (amongst other benefits). Going on this concept, the doctor developed a theory that women can increase their sex drive by (of course) having sex more often. What they found is that women who have sex every three days experience a higher sex drive, better orgasms and live all around happier and less stressful lives. From there, the doctor developed a "program" of sorts that he put his sex therapy patients on with phenomenal results!
Here is how it works:

• You must MAKE yourself have sex every three days. One day on, two days off. Commit to yourself that you will do this regardless of any excuse you may come up with. It will seem difficult, at first, so keep it simple. Don't worry yourself with all the bells and whistles of love making. Especially in the beginning. It won't matter if you have a 5 minute quickie or a full out hour long love making session (like that happens after kids, right?) The idea here is to simply have sex every three days. What you'll notice, as time goes on, is that it will begin to get difficult to wait till the third day. No lie! As your body starts producing those hormones and endorphins that sex induces it will begin to change the chemistry in your entire body! The other thing I noticed about having a "sex day" is that I KNEW I was going to have sex on those days. From the time I woke up that morning I began preparing myself mentally as well as physically. I knew what to expect, I knew it was happening and I did what I needed to do in order for the sex to occur. I also noticed that I was much nicer to him on those days. It was easier for me to flirt and to be loving towards him. If an argument ensued, I walked away from it much faster than normal. After all, I didn't want to HAVE to have sex with a man I just had a disagreement with. I found that I made sure that the day went in the direction of the bedroom!
• Be accountable to someone other than yourself at first. Find a friend or maybe even your sister who is experiencing the same issues with low libido. Turn this into a game or competition between the two of you. Not only with this help with motivation but it will be fun and interesting for the two of you to compare notes of your progress. And believe me, if your best friend "has" to have sex and isn't in the mood for it, she's will be bound and determined to make you do it too. Then when you see it working, you get to share your accomplishment with someone. I found that it served as stimulating conversation as well. Many times I would map out my plan of attack with my sex day buddy. She had some great ideas as well that I found myself implementing in my own bedroom. I looked forward to that phone call or conversation to tell her what happened and what I was going to do the next time. As we got further along in the "program" we even began to shop for lingerie and I remember a stripper pole coming into the mix at one point. All of which happened simply because I had her there as my support.
  
• Do not tell your partner that you are on this "sex diet." You don't need him reminding you that it's "sex day." That will only result in feelings of resentment towards him. The fact is, he'll have no idea what's going on and will probably be clueless that there is even any pattern to the love making days. Besides that, the last thing he'll do is ask you why you ARE having sex with him. If he's smart, and he does see a pattern, he'll simply keep his mouth shut for fear of messing with a good thing. I think you'll find it interesting how his behavior will start to change unconsciously. He'll begin to do more favors for you, he'll be more loving and caring. Not only is he grateful for getting lucky but he feels more loved by you and will reciprocate that in everyday life. Which in turn, helps you WANT to have sex with him instead of "making" yourself.
  

If there's one thing I want to leave you with it would be my own personal experience with being on the sex diet (as I so lovingly began to refer to it.) There was a time that I literally despised my husbands excitement for sex. In fact, I resented him for being able to do it regardless of the time, place or situation. Maybe there were even times that I wanted to have sex but didn't because I resented him. Ultimately, I began the sex diet because I felt guilty that I wasn't performing my "wifely duties" and maybe even a little fearful that if I didn't "buck up" he may find someone who would. However, what I got from it had nothing to do with him at all. I got my desire back! I began to experience that feeling you get from the sweetest spots of your feminine anatomy. I began to feel again the throbbing and longing for pleasure. I began to have better and longer lasting orgasms. I began to feel like a woman again!
There's no other relationship you have, as a monogamous couple, that can give you these feelings. Your spouse is the only person you have "permission" to have this intimate bond with. That bond is important to a healthy marriage and to a healthy YOU! What I learned is that the relationship between husband and wife is unique and special and wonderful! The more we partake in the uniqueness of that marital relationship, the happier we BOTH are.
If any of you try the "sex diet" and would be willing to share your experiences please come back after a month or so and post a comment. I'm truly interested in finding out what everyone else experiences.