Slick and Silly

Lube - It can be looked at as a novelty but in many cases it's truly a necessity for a pleasurable sexual experience. If there is one thing I could accomplish with this blog post it would be to convince everyone of you that lubricant should be a staple of the bedroom. In my opinion, the number one "sex toy" everyone should have!

The fact is, many women need extra lubrication at certain times of the month. Vaginal dryness can be a problem even for women in their twenties. Have you or your partner ever experienced pain during the first few minutes of intercourse? Chances are, the cause is simply not being lubricated enough.

Introducing a lubrication is probably much easier than you think. My opinion of it is that it's simply a necessary addition at times and shouldn't be taken so seriously or viewed as a novelty. It's an interesting subject because it's something your gynecologist would recommend to you but can be just as fun and exciting as other bedroom aides.

When choosing a lubricant make sure to experiment with different kinds. My preference to recommend to the ladies I deal with, is a water based lube. Mostly because it is very similar to your own natural lubrication. Water based lubricants are also less expensive, they are odorless and tasteless, non-staining and very natural feeling. However, silicone based lubes are great too. It really is just a matter of preference. Keep in mind, some silicone based lubricants are not condom friendly. So read labels or ask questions if you are unsure.

If you think about it, I'm sure some of the best sexual experiences you have had has been when your body is completely responding to foreplay, you are physically prepared and anticipating penetration. These are the times you are most lubricated and the sensations are amazing! Lubrication will aide you in feeling sensual and exited and your lover will too.

Sexucation for your kids...

Last week I caught an episode of Oprah (oh, the joys of working from home!) The subject was educating your children about sex, when to do it and what to say. I was absolutely elated by the information provided by Dr. Laura Berman. Even though the Oprah audience wasn't too thrilled with some of her ideas, I was spot on with it all.

Not too long ago it became apparent to me that I needed to have a conversation with my 15 year old son about "alone time." I won't go into details why (he'd kill me if he ever read it) so all I will say is, it was clear to me he needed a good talking to. Every mother, when faced with this reality, will question themselves. Am I giving too much information? Am I giving enough information? At this point I feel very confident that I handled the situation in the right way and, thanks to Dr. Berman, I am armed with the knowledge of how to handle the situation with my daughter. Girls, always seem a little different than boys for some reason. Even though they really shouldn't be treated any different.

Here is a synopsis of what Dr. Berman said about educating your kids about sex...

• From birth: Always use the correct names for their body parts. Also, don't scold them for touching their genitals.
• Around 2 or 3 years old: Teach them about "good touch and bad touch." Make sure they understand that they are called "private parts" because they are private and only they get to touch them when they are alone. No one else is allowed to.
• 2nd to 4th grade: The "where do babies come from" stage. At this point you will answer their questions about sex fairly straight forward and technically. "When and woman and a man are married and want to have children, the man puts his penis into the woman's vagina. His semen goes into the vagina and into the fallopian tube were it meets the egg and a baby will grow."
• 5th or 6th grade: Begin speaking more about self stimulation and the mechanics of sex. Also make sure you express your hopes and dreams about their sex life. For instance, "I hope that someday when you are older, you fall in love with someone who deserves the amazing gift that sex is."
• 7th to 9th grade: Keep an open communication with them about the information they are receiving from their peers and what types of sexual situations they are getting into. Depending on your child's circumstance, this may be the age that sexting and oral sex will begin. For your daughters have a real conversation about orgasm and how it occurs for them. Boys will have figured it out by now. This is a good time to introduce a small clitoral vibe or bulett for your teen girl.
  
• 9th to 12th grade: Reinforce what you have taught them about waiting for love, marriage etc. Communicate with them about the pressures they face.

I absolutely loved the idea of introducing a small vibe, like the one to the right, to your teenage daughter, however this was the biggest shock to the Oprah audience! Dr. Berman explained it in such a fantastic way... Girls are especially susceptible to relating the sexual pleasures a boy may be giving her to "love." Particularly when they have never experienced these pleasures before. By giving your daughter the power to provide those pleasures to herself, you are empowering her to say NO to an over excited young man. She will not equate these feelings to love but to a physical response her body is simply capable of having even without a boy.

I would like to urge all of you to check out Oprah.com about this episode and to download Dr. Laura Berman's handbook.

But I'm just not in "The Mood"

If there's one thing I know for sure, it would be this subject! Believe me, after a long day being mommy and domestic goddess, it's hard to find the energy for a shower let alone a roll in the hay! Yet even after 16 years, it still surprises me that my husband (who many times I would trade in for another wife) can reach down and pull the energy and desire out for sex on a daily basis. Or does he really need to reach down anywhere to find it? The honest truth is, "it" is ALWAYS there for him.
I've learned, over these 16 years, that I simply can't beat myself up over this. However, often times, I knew the hubby was wondering what he had done wrong, why I didn't like him anymore and when will he FINALLY get a little somethin' somethin' from me. At one point, I had convinced myself that my husband was simply a pervert. He wanted sex ALL the time. Then I realized, he wants sex all the time because he hasn't gotten any yet!
There are so many different reasons why women lose the desire for intercourse. The issue can be a real medical problem. So the first thing I suggest is to talk to your doctor about any problems you are having with lack of libido. I literally approached my doc as if she was just another girlfriend so I could be frank with her about the issues I was experiencing. After all, this person has looked into my vagina for crying out loud! Why wouldn't I be honest about sex? This is my doctor, not Jesus! (I'll be honest here. Even if it was Jesus I'd still be honest about any sex issues I was having. That's just how I roll... LOL) Your doctor may conclude that medication, hormone levels and even stress is the culprit.
Although, sometimes (and by sometimes I really mean a LOT of the time) it is simply all in our heads. OK, what I'm really trying to say here is that us women are notorious for letting life get in the way of sex. I've stopped asking why and so should you. The "why" isn't as important as the "how to fix it" is. I'm going to give you a REAL fix it. I'm not going to give you some sappy advice about candles and lingerie. I'm not going to tell you to read a romance novel or watch a porn. I'm not even going to tell you to make a pack of foreplay with your lover. What I'm about to say may even make some of you mad. BUT IT WORKS!
Years ago, during a sex dry spell, I heard of an article. I tried to find it for the purpose of this blog to no avail. It wasn't something I found online, so it didn't surprise me I couldn't find it. The article was written by some renowned sex therapist from some unknown country other than the U.S. Today I'm going to share the advice that changed my sex life forever!
It's a fact that studies have shown that women who have sex more often have a higher sex drive (amongst other benefits). Going on this concept, the doctor developed a theory that women can increase their sex drive by (of course) having sex more often. What they found is that women who have sex every three days experience a higher sex drive, better orgasms and live all around happier and less stressful lives. From there, the doctor developed a "program" of sorts that he put his sex therapy patients on with phenomenal results!
Here is how it works:

• You must MAKE yourself have sex every three days. One day on, two days off. Commit to yourself that you will do this regardless of any excuse you may come up with. It will seem difficult, at first, so keep it simple. Don't worry yourself with all the bells and whistles of love making. Especially in the beginning. It won't matter if you have a 5 minute quickie or a full out hour long love making session (like that happens after kids, right?) The idea here is to simply have sex every three days. What you'll notice, as time goes on, is that it will begin to get difficult to wait till the third day. No lie! As your body starts producing those hormones and endorphins that sex induces it will begin to change the chemistry in your entire body! The other thing I noticed about having a "sex day" is that I KNEW I was going to have sex on those days. From the time I woke up that morning I began preparing myself mentally as well as physically. I knew what to expect, I knew it was happening and I did what I needed to do in order for the sex to occur. I also noticed that I was much nicer to him on those days. It was easier for me to flirt and to be loving towards him. If an argument ensued, I walked away from it much faster than normal. After all, I didn't want to HAVE to have sex with a man I just had a disagreement with. I found that I made sure that the day went in the direction of the bedroom!
• Be accountable to someone other than yourself at first. Find a friend or maybe even your sister who is experiencing the same issues with low libido. Turn this into a game or competition between the two of you. Not only with this help with motivation but it will be fun and interesting for the two of you to compare notes of your progress. And believe me, if your best friend "has" to have sex and isn't in the mood for it, she's will be bound and determined to make you do it too. Then when you see it working, you get to share your accomplishment with someone. I found that it served as stimulating conversation as well. Many times I would map out my plan of attack with my sex day buddy. She had some great ideas as well that I found myself implementing in my own bedroom. I looked forward to that phone call or conversation to tell her what happened and what I was going to do the next time. As we got further along in the "program" we even began to shop for lingerie and I remember a stripper pole coming into the mix at one point. All of which happened simply because I had her there as my support.
  
• Do not tell your partner that you are on this "sex diet." You don't need him reminding you that it's "sex day." That will only result in feelings of resentment towards him. The fact is, he'll have no idea what's going on and will probably be clueless that there is even any pattern to the love making days. Besides that, the last thing he'll do is ask you why you ARE having sex with him. If he's smart, and he does see a pattern, he'll simply keep his mouth shut for fear of messing with a good thing. I think you'll find it interesting how his behavior will start to change unconsciously. He'll begin to do more favors for you, he'll be more loving and caring. Not only is he grateful for getting lucky but he feels more loved by you and will reciprocate that in everyday life. Which in turn, helps you WANT to have sex with him instead of "making" yourself.
  

If there's one thing I want to leave you with it would be my own personal experience with being on the sex diet (as I so lovingly began to refer to it.) There was a time that I literally despised my husbands excitement for sex. In fact, I resented him for being able to do it regardless of the time, place or situation. Maybe there were even times that I wanted to have sex but didn't because I resented him. Ultimately, I began the sex diet because I felt guilty that I wasn't performing my "wifely duties" and maybe even a little fearful that if I didn't "buck up" he may find someone who would. However, what I got from it had nothing to do with him at all. I got my desire back! I began to experience that feeling you get from the sweetest spots of your feminine anatomy. I began to feel again the throbbing and longing for pleasure. I began to have better and longer lasting orgasms. I began to feel like a woman again!
There's no other relationship you have, as a monogamous couple, that can give you these feelings. Your spouse is the only person you have "permission" to have this intimate bond with. That bond is important to a healthy marriage and to a healthy YOU! What I learned is that the relationship between husband and wife is unique and special and wonderful! The more we partake in the uniqueness of that marital relationship, the happier we BOTH are.
If any of you try the "sex diet" and would be willing to share your experiences please come back after a month or so and post a comment. I'm truly interested in finding out what everyone else experiences.